Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you. Exodus 20:12
God is clear that we are to honor our parents. That’s an easy and natural task for some, but not for everyone. God knows there are parents who have utterly failed and yet He gives no qualifiers on this command.
The Hebrew word translated here as honor is kabad, to make honorable or to glorify. It can also mean heavy, weighty or burdensome. It gives me the sense that this is serious and important - and maybe hard.
When Paul instructed children to obey their parents, he quotes the command to honor them. He chooses the Greek word timao, meaning to properly assign (high) value or give honor. There is a hint of the value being in relation to the one assigning it and not a fixed price.
In honoring our parents, we are called to be obedient. How we do that changes as we become adults, but should at least involve giving weight to their wishes. Clearly our obedience is restricted to those things not forbidden by God, but obeying and respecting our parents as the first authority figures in our life sets us up for respecting others – teachers, law enforcement, employers – later on in life. I believe it also paves the way for a right relationship with God.
We also care for them. As the tables turn on caregiving, we help to provide for their needs. Even Jesus on the cross took the time to ensure His mother was cared for after His death. Ensuring our parents’ physical needs are met can involve finances or being involved in their day-to-day activities. What if your parent is unkind? We are called to love our neighbor (even the Samaritan), how much more weight is the command to love and care for a parent? If the relationship is toxic, a trusted and objective friend may be able to counsel if and how any assistance might be given within healthy boundaries.
Respect them. Speak well of them and to them. It is a joy to share about my parents with others. We enjoy one another and I value their advice and counsel. If you have a parent who is difficult to respect, it may require taking the effort to understand them and their brokenness. We are all broken people raised by broken people and generational sin exists. But speaking well of them doesn’t mean hiding damaging sins like abuse. Reporting dangerous behavior, for their protection and others’, may be the most loving thing you can do. It could be the catalyst for help and change.
Live honorably. What I do is also a reflection on my family. We don’t recognize this much in the west but our eastern brothers and sisters have a stronger sense of familial or community honor and shame. Our own lives can bring honor to a parent even if their own life did not.
Be thankful for them. Likely they have sacrificed much to provide and care for you. But even if all you can muster is that they brought you into the world, they were the conduits God used to bring you life.
Forgive them. Even the best of parents make mistakes – let it go. If you were abused, emotionally neglected or abandoned, forgiving is the first step in healing as well as honoring them. Depending on the situation it may require separation, wise boundaries or even contact with law enforcement, but forgiving and trusting God to hold them accountable is a good start.
Pray for them and seek their good. Our family has been fortunate and we have a spiritual heritage of faith being passed down from generation to generation. But I have friends who were the first in their family to follow Jesus. It is exciting that in some cases their faith is being passed upwards generationally.
God made a promise for those who honor their parents and I think it reflects the truth of how honoring them changes us. I pray I learn to honor my parents well.
Let your father and your mother be glad, and let her who bore you rejoice. Proverbs 23:25
